Bad Dreams and Bananas

My sleep last night was riddled with bad dreams. They’re very vague now as I try to recall them, but luckily they weren’t as bad as they have been in the past. Just uncomfortable. It’s an awful feeling to want to climb out of your skin even while you’re asleep. Luckily I don’t experience that feeling much anymore 🙂

Now it’s morning time. I’ve had peppermint tea, practiced yoga and scraped banana out of my son’s hair. He’s watching Curious George and giggling.

Soon I have to start work, but for now I’m just enjoying the morning 🙂

Today as a passion project I’m going to start reading up on Sara La Kali. After reading Lisa Lister’s WITCH, I have become so intrigued by S.L.K, manifestation and everything else mentioned in that gorgeous book. I want to gorge myself on knowledge! Has anyone else read it? If you haven’t, I implore you do ASAP.

How are you? I hope you’re smiling today. x

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Good morning!

Today is already such a better day. I can feel it in my bones. It’s freezing cold here in Aus, and my French and Russian lessons are coming along nicely. Baby (I guess I should start calling him Toddler) is down for a nap, though I’ve been keeping an eye on the baby monitor and so far he’s still just rolling around his cot, testing the bars for weakness and chirping to himself.

He’s so cute I want to (figuratively) eat him.

Just checking in, hoping you are reading this and feeling as happy as I am. Never forget the optimism that tomorrow can bring 🙂

LOVE YOU! x

Oh, what a glorious day (not)

Today was so hard. There’s often so much going on in my head that I end up squashing it all down, compressing it into the tips of my toes and leaving it there. But maybe I should start sorting through it all? Unpacking my emotions is something new to me – who knows if it will even be worthwhile.

Anyway, today was difficult. I am currently a ball of self-loathing and regret.

For the first time, in my son’s (my beautiful, beautiful son’s) 17 months on this planet, I mumbled that I hated him. He was having a difficult day, like really difficult, and the three of us in my little family unit were really feeling down. My son doesn’t enjoy listening to me or his father, and I don’t know how to get him to start. So today, as he was fumbling around with the electrical sockets, and I was shrilly demanding him to stop before yanking him away by the arm, I mumbled “Sometimes I hate him.”

I didn’t even mean it. I didn’t realise I was saying it until it had already been said. And my stomach just hit the floor. I am big on positive language, I don’t like using what I call ‘angry language.’ This includes swearing, raised voices and yes, the word ‘hate’.

So now I feel like a hypocrite, because how dare I say that word to a tiny creature who is still so new to this earth? I don’t hate him. I love him, I am in love with him, he is from my womb and an extension of me and I love him, more than I will ever be able to describe.

What drove me to say it? I know we all have moments like that, even if some of us won’t (read: can’t) admit it. And that’s okay. But for me, I know I am at my best when I’m taking good care of myself, and I haven’t been lately.

I work as a writer, so by nature I am already overly-critical of myself. I strive for perfection, even though I pretend I don’t, and when I can’t get my tiny person to listen to my instructions I feel like a lesser being. Work pressures, family pressures and my own pressures add up to overwhelm me and it comes out in spiteful, vicious tongue-lashings and words that I’d never usually speak.

I’ve spent the last few years working hard to be conscious and present in all that I do. It’s been the only way I could overcome my past, past addictions, past behaviour, past mental illnesses. Becoming a mother is the one thing that tests my consciousness, well and truly. When I fail to be present, and I lash out with my words and my anger, I feel ashamed. I sit with that shame now, and I acknowledge it. It feels good to own up to my actions, even if I’m filled with regret about them.

And lo, I feel better about it all after having typed this. Guess there’s something to be said for talking about your feelings after all.

I hope you’re happy and full of light, my sisters. You are loved 🙂

Love, Bliss xx